put in a dilemma

chelsia, you were awesome, loves :)
btw, my friend thinks you're awesome too :}

yesterday turned out to be a rollercoaster.

i never did much with debra ytd, we were talking/ texting/ going insane. i received more news than. it's like why why why. idk how else to express it. at that point of time, i was angered, pissed, annoyed.

then things happened, i was trembling damn badly. debra kept finding excuses for me, like im cold like marina's aircon's too strong &stuffs. but i know the reason myself.

dinner with her over steamboat, was like weird? because i was concentrating so much on texting my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. poor girl kept putting food on my table..
thankyou debra, you were lovely too :) love you much as well :>
&then it ended, at least i thought it did. truth be told, i was a little disappointed, or some other word, idk how to express myself.

so i carried on with steamboat then, happy happy, talking to debra about her life. crazy girl told me i missed a whole chapter of her life, it wasnt even a chapter-.- the incident at the mrt's was hilarious, totally. we laughed for like maybe 5 minutes about it. & we seriously felt damn stupid about it. but okay, good laugh :]

then i got home, after my battery dying on me. i was still happily using my computer, facebook-ing &whatnots. then yeah everything just happened again.

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last night i thought i was strong enough, to carry on with my moving on. then i still softened, in the end i still did. i felt like i failed everybody whom have been encouraging me these days, because i kept saying i'll do it i'll do it. then i wavered, upon that very text. i fought &struggled between my heart &my mind. but i chose still, to follow my heart- like before. that's when everything turned around. i remember posting " & from today onwards, i wont drop another tear of mine." i kept to it, right up to that point, that text. then i failed, so miserably. i gave in to my heart.
&chelsia's right. i lost this to nobody, i lost this to myself.
i felt like a fool, because even after constant reminders i still chose to follow my heart, which at this point is still weaker. i lost everything than.

but like what everything goes, i'll have to move on, still. no matter how hard it is. last night's still fresh within my head &it's evident within my eyes as well. but i'll learn from this mistake i've made. &i'll never get myself hurt again.